Deep thoughts about parenting
Posted on February 21, 2011 - Filed Under Uncategorized
I am finally getting around to reading a book my mom bought last year for my birthday, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. It’s the story of how Mortenson came to build many schools for the children of Pakistan and Afghanistan. So far, it’s a pretty good book. And it’s refreshing to read something that associates hope and progression with a couple of countries that most of us have probably come to couple with the opposite.
One paragraph caught my attention. The context of it is that Mortenson’s parents were missionaries in Tanzania; during their time there, they built a teaching hospital. Most of the funding came from donors who were either foreigners or from the wealthy fray of Tanzanian society. The donors were very proud of themselves; Mortenson Sr., on the other hand, saw the success as the product of the hard work put forth by the Africans. Here’s the paragraph of interest:
“I could feel the swell of pride from the Africans,” Mortenson remembers. “The expats wanted him [Mortenson Sr.] to say, ‘Look what we’ve done for you.’ But he was saying, ‘Look what you’ve done for yourselves and how much more you can do.’
I read that and it immediately occurred to me that that is how I want to be about Maggie and Wyatt. Assuming each of them grows into fine, upstanding citizens, my ego will surely want to take credit for all Erin and I will have done to get them to that point. And it is important to acknowledge that the quality of one’s parenting has something to do with the quality of a child’s personhood. However, I want the main focus to not be us but the kids themselves. I want them to see that hard work and dedication got them wherever they end up and that more will yield the same. It’s not that parents aren’t important; obviously, a good foundation and follow-through is important in anything one does. But focusing on the parents is not sustainable, i.e. what are the kids going to do when the parents cannot and should not do for them anymore? The children must believe they can succeed separate from the parents.
I know a lot of parents (myself and Erin included) don’t necessarily like this idea, deep down, because it means their ‘babies’ are growing up. One problem I have with this is: well, duh, isn’t that what people do? The other issue is more philosophical. Coming face to face with the growing up of one’s children is also coming face to face with one’s own mortality, i.e. as your children grow older, so do you, which means you are coming ever closer to your own death. Some people think that by holding on to the younger, less able versions of their children, they are delaying their own earthly demise. This is obviously devoid of any logic.
I hope that Erin and I will always—from Maggie learning how to ride her bike and swim and Wyatt learning to say, “Yes please” when asked if he want a PB&J sandwich to whatever each of them achieves in adulthood—defer to the kids in giving credit for their accomplishments and use it as a springboard for encouraging them to do even more.
No clear answer
Posted on February 19, 2011 - Filed Under Uncategorized
I am in New Jersey for some additional school/training before we head to Japan. This time is only for a little more than three weeks, as opposed to moving to Texas for six months, so Erin and the kids stayed back there.
My time here thus far has not been incredibly exciting or anything. I go to school during the day and come back to my hotel room at night and just hang out until going to bed, for the most part. Most of the reason I do that is because I don’t like driving in unfamiliar areas at night because it’s harder for me to drop my mental bread crumbs so I can get back home (Erin insisted on keeping the GPS). However, I do try and get out on the weekends because I am still a wandering spirit when it comes to exploring new places. Today, I drove a little town call Bordentown where I found a local independent record store called The Record Collector. Down the street from that, I found a children’s consignment at which I was able to find some princess dress up clothes for Maggie. She had requested these as a present marking my return to TX. I then drove around some more, finding other this and that type of places. I’ll probably go out again tomorrow and hit some of the places I didn’t get to today.
The higher point to this story is that I can’t shake this guilty feeling I have about being able to do whatever I want with my free time for nearly a month while Erin is at home being a single parent. Should I just hang out in my room and do nothing the whole time I’m here. No, I recognize that as unreasonable and not what Erin would want me to do anyway; it might even cause me to resent her somehow down the road. Nevertheless, this guilty feeling I have is the same thing I have mentioned before when writing about not going out hiking, hunting, etc. as much as I would have liked. The big question remains for me: Is there a place in parenthood, especially when the kids are young, for parents to leave the house without their children and maybe their spouse and do something on their own? The answer seems obvious to us in our obsessed with the self, 21st century culture: Of course! But I bet if we talk to people from a generation or two ago, we would find that most working class people did not have hobbies, etc. outside the scope of their families and work. So, in short, were they wrong or are we?
Flying sucks
Posted on February 7, 2011 - Filed Under Uncategorized
As I write this, I am sitting on a flight from Dallas/Ft. Worth to Philadelphia on my way to New Jersey for some ‘follow-on training’. Yes, more school. Six months of eight hours a day wasn’t enough. Fortunately, this one is only about three weeks; I’ll be home on March 2nd.
I love airports; I hate flying. You can see just about any type of person in an airport. Today, at least at DFW, you couldn’t take a step without tripping over a person wearing Super Bowl gear. (Good game, but when your team loses, it’s not as much fun.) It makes me wonder what the airport is normally like. The San Angelo airport was so small it was funny. There were two ‘gates’ and they provided building-wide wifi, but there was no ATM. Apparently, it had been stolen one night when the security system was also down—not quite sure why they don’t want to replace it. As far as flying goes, I don’t think anyone has ever created more uncomfortable sitting-devices than the seats in your standard coach section of an aircraft. Not very well cushioned (they’re more durable that way, thus saving money in the long run) and crammed into the plane (thus allowing for more passengers per flight and therefore increasing the income for the airline)—see, everything is about the Almighty Dollar.
We are getting down to the wire for the Big Move. We are leaving the day after Maggie’s fifth birthday. Boy, my hatred of flying is really going to be front and center for that: it’s about 17 hours from Seattle to Okinawa. I have a lot of trouble just wrapping my head around being on an airplane for that length of time, especially as a parent of two small kids. Actually, sometimes, they do better than I do.
Today’s the big day
Posted on January 20, 2011 - Filed Under Uncategorized
After what feels like a very long six months, today is the big day—GRADUATION!!! I have put in a lot of effort, both as a student and as the class leader. There were times when I thought I might not graduate on time because of test failure, etc., but fortunetely, that never happened. Moreover, my classmates kept their eyes on the prize. My class will graduate today with zero test failure and zero members who had to go back and repeat a previous section of the course. Several members of the staff have told me that a class doing both of these things is unheard of. I am very proud of myself and my classmates.
We will leaving for a trip back east soon. Then, I come home for a couple of days and then leave for three weeks for some follow-on training in NJ. Come early March, it’s off to Japan. It’s kind of weird that we have gotten through the biggest piece of this and there’s still so much to do.
I also need to say that a very large portion of making it this far is a result of Erin working very hard at home. Thank you, sweetheart.
Where ya been?
Posted on November 27, 2010 - Filed Under Uncategorized
If you check this site, that’s probably what you’ve been asking for a long time. It’s not that we have lost interest in writing. We’re just busy all the time it seems. And we are always saying to ourselves and each other, “We’ve got to get back to writing on the blog.” So, here’s to starting back up with regular posts.
Well, for starters, we did make it to Texas okay. Everyone’s pretty happy here. The area is great compared to Mtn Home. We no longer have to drive an hour to a decent restaurant, store, or park. I am working hard in school, maintaining the second highest average out of 28 or so students. Erin is working harder than me, staying at home with the wee ones and still finding that she loves being a mom. Maggie goes to school four hours a day five days a week. She continued her swimming lessons during August, September, and October and is now able to swim at least a whole lap by herself. She also has transitioned to being able to ride her bike without training wheels. We are obviously extremely proud of her for these things, not as much for the accomplishments themselves but moreso because she stuck with them until she got it. Wyatt is learning to talk more and more everyday; he’s currently at the stage in which he repeats everything you tell him to. He has three true loves these days: his mama; trucks; and being read to. If he wants any of these things and can’t have it, he really lets you know. We are especially pleased and amazed at his love for books. One of his first two word phrases was “Read book”.
There’s one other big piece of news. We are moving to Okinawa, Japan. We will be there for three or four years. Given that it’s probably a once in a lifetime type of thing, we are really excited. I had hoped that such a move would come a few years from now when the kids were old enough to get the maximum out of it. That notwithstanding, we are glad to have the opportunity. Obviously, it’s sad to be leaving family and friends, but I have found that nothing is without it’s down (or up) side. That’s another reason we have to get back into the habit of writing here: Most, if not all, of the people in our lives have not been to the Far East, so maybe they will be able to get a small taste of what it’s like through us. We will probably arrive towards the end of February or so. Stay tuned…
What’s so bad about the garage?
Posted on July 14, 2010 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Our street is (or was, as of today seeing as how we moved out today in preparation for the big move) a cul-de-sac and we have the good fortune of living on the very end. In an effort to inspire confidence and competence, I started allowing Maggie to ride her scooter all the way around the cul-de-sac by herself if I or her mama were outside. That way, if she fell down, etc. we could hear her calling for us. Well, one day last week, she was on one of her little rides and got caught up at one of the neighbor’s houses. When she didn’t return in the normal amount of time, I went looking for her. I should pause here to say that, in our house it is a rule that children (ours or not) do not go into the garage by themselves; there are simply too many dangerous and alluring things to play with. Well, I found her—playing in the garage with those kids with no adult present. Needless to say, she was made to come immediately and was punished.
As I was continuing my yardwork after the incident, I started thinking about the ‘why’ of our rule and how to get through to Maggie about the good reason behind it. Then it dawned on me: I go to work everyday and bust my ass so that we can have money to give Maggie all the opportunities we possibly can and I don’t want to see that go up in smoke because she becomes handicapped or something else as a result of a freak weedeater incident. If she is going to incur some kind of physical limitation, I want it to be because of something uncontrollable, e.g. some kind of disease, or because she was doing something really cool and that she really liked, e.g. gymnastics or swimming. I don’t want it to be because of something like not being able to resist the temptation of a garage, of all things. Her mother and I work way too hard for her to jack up her life because she’s curious about a table saw.
I imagine some people who read this might see this as being very business minded—so be it. First of all, it is our blog; we pay the bills, we can say what we want. Secondly, there’s something to be said for every parent feeling as though they invest themselves in their kids and they want the best return they can get.
The other aspect of this that was especially striking to me was that I can still remember when I was a kid and I had one of my many ‘garage moments’. I was an absolute horrible teenager, needy for attention and acceptance from friends, family, etc. Therefore, I did a lot of things one should not do: drinking, drugs (less than I wanted to at the time, thank goodness), and general hell-raising (or at least weak attempts at such). I don’t think my parents knew what to do. I know they felt desperate. And now I know they felt great pain as they watched me piddle away my life’s potential, all because I really wanted what was in that proverbial garage. I remember the desperation on their faces, the sadness in their eyes. I didn’t understand it and pushed back pretty hard. I can’t be too hard on myself because it was my inexperience that made me so stupid and foolish, but I can say that life has now shown me I should have listened when told the garage was dangerous.
Another goodbye…
Posted on July 3, 2010 - Filed Under Uncategorized
The time has come to say goodbye, again, to a place we’ve grown familiar with, people we’ve met along the way, and a life we created in Idaho. I remember when we first arrived in this black hole of a town we wanted to turn right around and drive as fast as we could outta here. Our adjustment was difficult, to say the least. Strangely though, in these final days, I feel a bit sad to leave. Maybe it’s the friends we’ve made, the comfortable house we live in or the familiarity that comes when you live somewhere for a length of time? Surely, it’s not the landscape or the opportunities that this town offers. Whatever the reason, my feet and arms aren’t packing up our belongings as fast as I would’ve expected. I’ve spent many hours dreaming of the day we drive away from this town, imagining a huge grin on my face never to even take a glance in the rear-view mirror. Now though, as the end nears, I’m not so sure I’ll be smiling.
“All that there is is a slow road to freedom”
Posted on June 23, 2010 - Filed Under Uncategorized
“We’re All in This Together” by Old Crow Medicine Show…this is an amazingly beautiful song.
This is a very powerful article concerning many different issues but focused on one person’s struggle with the burdens of age. It is long but well worth the read.
Happy Birthday Boo!
Posted on June 18, 2010 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Wyatt turns one today! Maggie has agreed to be nice to him all day!
Our little ballerina
Posted on June 3, 2010 - Filed Under Uncategorized
We have been taking Maggie to a dance class for quite some time now, probably since the fall of last year. She has persisted in being interested and it is only $25/month, so we figured it was worth it. The big payoff is viewable below in the form of her first recital (sorry about the poor videography). It’s in two parts due to the size of the video—the top is part one, bottom is part two. She is the one on the far right.
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