Catch it before it falls
Posted on June 16, 2006 - Filed Under Uncategorized
This is probably going to be another simplistic sounding post. I don’t truly know anything about the subject, so I am just offering my thoughts. If the person whom this is about is reading it, please don’t be offended I have boiled your situation down.
A friend of mine just told me yesterday that he and his wife are planning to get divorced. It always makes me very sad to hear this. One of the reasons it upsets me is concern for the family and especially the kids, if indeed there are any, which there are in this situation. But the other reason is what it says about my own marriage. You walk around, make friends, get to know people to whatever depth, etc. but much of the time, all you see is the ‘everything’s okay’ side of things; you never really know how things are going for them at home, inside their mind, etc. So, you just kind of assume they have a normal family life–yes, there are certainly hard times and struggles but things are good and relatively stable. And then one day, they tell you something like this. It always makes me ask, “Why not us?” I mean, if these people had it all together, were pretty happy, and things were going reasonably well, just as with Erin and I, and it happened to them, logic would necessitate you ask yourself that question. But I guess the answer lies in what is behind the facade, that the building is actually crumbling right before your eyes, you just don’t see it.
It also gets me to thinking about why. Most of the time when I hear people talking about their relationships going bad, whether with spouses, friends, boy/girlfriends, or even children, they begin to rattle off a long list of items which first became issues long ago. These things grow like a strong weed and there finally arrives a day when you look up and the two of you have allowed this problem to destroy your relationship. Well, and this is the simplistic part, it seems to me that you can prevent this from happening by addressing and resolving the problem when it first manifests. The two people have to be willing to work together because problems are rarely one-sided; both people are going to have to compromise, perhaps more than they are initially willing.
Many of these problems don’t seem worth the effort, so people just decide to gloss over it and deal with it. But therein lies the true problem. “Oh, he does this thing and it really makes me mad, but I’ll get over it” or “She knows that bothers and still continues to do it but she’s never going to change” are the first nails in the coffin. One of three things needs to happen: 1. the person doing the offending thing needs to understand why their behavior is problematic and change it, 2. the person being offended needs to understand why the other does this thing and decide to accept it, thereby doing away with those negative feelings, or 3. some combination of the two. As far as I can tell, when you break it down to its essential elements, that’s really the nature of the situation. But it’s hard work; compromise is tough. That said, if you don’t work it out, it becomes this festering thing that grows and grows until we have added so many other things on top of it that it is probably truly impossible to disect it and resolve the underlying problem.
I actually have a situation in my life right now which requires that I do what I am saying. Babies require time and the days don’t get any longer once you become a parent. Therefore, I have been noticing lately that there’s significantly less time to do the things I want to do, the other fun stuff that doesn’t involve Maggie. Well, this is kind of disappointing and can be annoying when there’s something I really want to do. But this is the exact point where I need to take a step back, remember that I was part of a decision which brought her into our lives, and realize that following through with that decision means sometimes making different choices. The other thing I need to pay attention to is that there are times when I do get to do what it is that I want, that it is actually incorrect of me to think she is taking up all the free time. (That’s really a bad situation to be in, to be mad, sad, etc. about something but to have those feeling built on wrong information or flawed perceptions.) This might sound strange to some people but I believe that every parent goes through it to some extent. Anyway, that’s how I can apply this lesson in my life.
We really value and respect the wisdom and experience of others. Since many of you are married and have children, what are the secrets you have discovered for having a good family life? What helps not only keep it all together and stop it from sinking but also ensures that the wind is always to your back?
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3 Responses to “Catch it before it falls”
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perserverence
we fixed it it is okay trust in your love that you share keep the line of communication open and share your feelings with each other do things together and sometimes apart and the love that brought maggie herewill keep you and strenghten your love go back and remember how you both becames friends and something wonderful happened you fell in love and became husband and wife i know maggie is still tiny you donnot want to leave her unless you can really trust that person but sometimes you two should have a date togethere but i know your are busy right now and you will being going yo a different place so maybe for now you can have a date at home while she is sleeping
Could not have said it any better than grandma thats sounds perfect.