So long, my friend
Posted on September 3, 2006 - Filed Under Uncategorized
I wrote this last night.
It’s really strange how the same thing will affect different people differently. I haven’t had an emotional reaction yet to this move or, more specifically, to leaving Asheville. All of the emotions I’ve had thus far have been mental ones, if that makes any sense. I have felt sadness about leaving but only in the conceptual sense, not experientially. Well, tonight, for the first time, I really felt a couple of severe pangs.
As I mentioned earlier, I had to rent a car to come back to Asheville after dropping Erin and all the kids off in FL. In the chaos of planning for this trip and the big one, one of the things we did not get accomplished was a plan as to how I was to get back to the house after returning the rental. Yes, the thought did occur to me but, again, amongst everything else, this was a very minor detail. Lucky for me, 1. we live only three miles from the airport and 2. it wasn’t raining tonight. So, I walked home; it only took me about 35 minutes. It really wasn’t a big deal. I have (twice) hiked a very difficult 16 miles in eight to nine hours, so the distance was a non-issue. And if it had been raining, that wouldn’t have mattered a lot either (one of those hikes was partially in the rain) except that I had my laptop and some other things strapped to my back. Anyhow, one of the wonderful things about walking is that it gives you the opportunity to think. For one reason or another, I began thinking about Wilson and how much he absolutely LOVES going over to the park and running free. (I know I am not supposed to let him go and I am not going to try to excuse my behavior…I do it because I want to and that’s about it.) I mean, he just has the best time, running as fast as he can, sniffing around, peeing all over the place, chasing me when I run the opposite direction, etc. It made me really, really sad to think that he won’t be able to do that anymore.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself that I am a mean and shallow person because this is the first time I have felt profound sadness over leaving here. Well, there’s two things to consider about that. First, I don’t think I have been allowing myself to really come face to face with my feelings over this. Secondly, and this is going to sound a little weird, Wilson is more than just a dog to me. He is a symbol of something, a touchpoint for something inside of me that is buried so deep that when it does surface, I feel some pretty strong feelings. What that something is is a little too personal to divulge here; only Erin really knows what I am talking about.
The second pang came when I got home. Our house is completely empty, save for everything I’ll need for the next couple months, a borrowed air mattress, a few things I need to send to Mtn Home, and some stuff I still need to throw away. There’s no furniture, TV, stereo, none of the things I have grown so accustomed to. But that’s not the significant emptiness: That comes in the form of Erin, Maggie, and the pets. Within 15 minutes of walking into the house, I felt this intense wave of loneliness. I don’t normally feel lonely; given the opportunity, I deal with being alone quite well, most of the time. But these last 6 to 12 months have been so intense that I think I have become more needful of people being around. I may not always want to interact and will often strive to find some quiet time, but I need to know they are there if I want them. I know I’ll be alright but it’s going to be hard not having anyone (defined as my family) around.
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Jason hang in there.I know this must be very difficult for all of you just remember the old saying absence makes the grow stronger. I dont know if its true or not(hope so) i’m just trying help.